The Things we Used to Love

I fell head over heels in love with horses at age 11.  I liked them before that, but I had very minimal exposure even though I lived in a rural place.  But when some horses moved in next to the parking lot at the gymnastics academy I attended....suffered at....that is when everything changed.

These old pictures are an ode to the (mostly lesson) horses who gave me the world.
Don't worry, I adored and appreciated them all.

I spent as much time as possible hanging out with them.  Luckily for uneducated me, these were very sweet, friendly, polite horses who would happily come over to socialize with someone showing up at their fence line.  I would hang out with them until I was dragged inside for torture, I mean gymnastics, and I would run back out to see them again as soon as I could get away.  My dad would have to force me to get in the car to go home.  

My father was no fool, he saw the writing on the very expensive wall.  Not to mention I was abjectly terrible at gymnastics.  Like.....the instructors coud not even believe a young girl was that unbendable.  If I couldn't do a split from the ages of 8-11 it was never going to happen.  But we were also quite poor.  Horses even then were not readily accessible to the poor and my dad was not excited to go down this road but he did it.  He found me a lesson barn where helmets, tack, and the lesson itself were included to squeeze it into our tiny budget.

Champy, the Chincoteague pony who I loved with my whole heart and who hated children. 

I won her over eventually and was there to say goodbye to her many years later.

I was allowed 1 lesson per week.  For 7 years, that was nearly all the riding time I got although I would do any other catch riding I could. It was everything to me.  As soon as we left the barn I would start counting down until my next lesson.  If my abusive mother wanted to punish me, she knew saying I couldn't ride that week was devastating.  Luckily, she enjoyed my absence more (my dad took me to every single lesson.  I later learned most of my barn friends thought my mother was dead). 

Tory an adorable Appy with great knees

Finally in college I had a car and enough money that I could pay for gas to drive myself to the barn, although not much else.  My trainer was doing a bit of horse flipping with auction horses at the time and she was happy for me to put as many hours as I could into her projects.  It was bliss.  I finally could spend as much time riding and caring for horses as I wanted.  I practically lived at the barn.  I honestly am not sure I have ever been as contented as I was that first summer when I didn't have classes and just woke up every day, went to the barn, stayed all day, and came home when it got dark.  It wasn't all riding, I mucked stalls, scrubbed buckets, fed, stacked hay bales, tended injuries, helped with lessons but I lived and breathed the barn.

As soon as I graduated college I got a  Real job and bought a house.  Right after that I bought a horse. Of course.

  

Apollo, the goodest good boy.

A cheap horse, one of the projects that came through the barn, but all mine.  He was one of the kindest and smartest horses I have known, and that is saying something.  Alas, he couldn't stay sound.  After several years, I eventually gave him to someone who just wanted a horse to hang with.  I went back to catch riding and at that point I was good enough to be in demand.  A few years after that, I took a bit of a break after some barn drama.

Jack, whom you literally couldn't miss a distance on.

But I couldn't stay away and once I got settled into CO, I took some lessons and got back into it.   Most of what happened after that is captured in this blog.  I got Fawkes, who was the physically soundest horse and the least mentally sound.  And the cutest fucking thing.  

That is when it started though.  I remember deciding to go to a yoga class instead of to the barn.  That had never happened before.  NOTHING came before going to the barn.  

My then boyfriend and I chalked it up to the difficulties of riding Fawkes and I eventually made the very heart wrenching decision to rehome him.

More Jack and me riding better

Things were better with Odin for a long time.  But I could still feel the passion dying off.  I was enjoying myself, but compared to younger me, the zest was absent.  Why? Why? Why?  Owning horses is hard.  Stressful.  Expensive. Several of my friends got very serious riding injuries in a short time.  You never seem to feel good enough or like you are doing enough.  Was that enough to explain it?

Bob who helped me learn to jump bigger

After Odin's colic I was done.  We hauled him to the emergency clinic and they were like, well we have another surgical case so you can wait and hope he makes it or haul him for another 3 hours to the other place that can operate.  We could barely keep him standing.  We waited.  Luckily they got to him and he was ok.  He had a mostly uncomplicated recovery.  I had a meltdown. 

Odin's new owner took him right after that.  I had been riding a lesson horse while he was recovering, another very good boy who just needed Big Girl Rides from time to time but he and I bonded so my trainer was like, ride him as much as you want, it makes him so happy. It was low key, low stress, no pressure and I thought I found the magic solution.  Chevy and I were meant to be and we had a great time.  But it didn't stop.  It felt like something core to what I was as a person was being stripped away and I couldn't do anything about it.  

So I stopped.  Entirely.  I figured (figure?) the desire will come back eventually.  But I really don't know.  So far I don't miss riding at all.  And I still go see Odin and Chevy and my barn friends and I still get those soft snoot kisses.  

Chevy, my little Red Fury

I went to therapy, they didn't have any answers for me.  

Sometimes I think it's the abused child thing - I needed horses to survive, escape, have an outlet, something pure.  Now I am definitely in a much better place foundationally but it isn't like I enjoy the world that much more as an adult.

Bowie,  I loved you so much. I am forever grateful for my time with you.

And while horses are the most devastating loss (emotionally, I cannot express enough how much better my finances are now), they aren't the only one.  I used to be an obsessive football fan.  Now I quite literally can't make myself care about a football and have an almost resentful opinion of it.  

Horses and football were 2 things that are irrevovably interlinked to my relationship with my Dad.  One by his choice and one he was dragged along for (look the man might not have wanted to learn, but by the end he could make the best hoof abscess poultice wrap in the lower 48 - thanks Apollo).  So maybe his loss ties into it too, he died in early 2019 but let's just say his decline meant the grieving process started long before that.   

She taught me what it felt like to fly.

Probably I will never really know.  But I will admit, I worry that my remaining passions are at risk.  It's also weird to miss loving something but not miss that thing itself.    There is a cognitive dissonance there I can't quite grasp.

One thing for sure though, I am endlessly beyond grateful for both that passion and the horses that were there for me when I needed them.  Even just looking at these older photos, I can still feel how deeply I loved these horses .  The lesson horses had hard lives at the barn where I rode as a kid, I hope I paid them back.   And I don't regret a single moment (or dollar).

The things that happen at sunset

 It seems we are past the most colorful sunsets for awhile as winter here tends to have much clearer skies.  Well and actually I don't really know what all factors contribute to great sunsets but in a world gone absolutely disgustingly mad, let's look at some of my favorites from summer and fall.

This was late May, I love how the rays show and how pink the sky grew

In the realm of very first world, low stakes problems I first had to decide where I wanted to watch sunsets from

There is a decent spot about a half mile from my house

And other spots in the neighborhood, but the sun tends to be on the south side of the horizon and I live on the downhill north side of a ridge, so I figured the park probably had the best views.

And I figured light like this might be even better with the lake to reflect it

But I had a conundrum.  Summer sunrises occur late (esp when you get up at 5am to run) and I live about 1.5 miles from the edge of the lake.  

Walking round trip was unlikely, only because I either would have run that morning or would be running the following morning.

It felt like a waste of fossil fuels but I would sometimes drive to the park and then walk in

That was especially useful on days I didn't think it would be a good sunset and then suddenly realized I was wrong

Then I finally realized my long neglected bike was probably going to be the most logical solution

I haven't found a solution to being able to make biking a part of my workout routine - I need to figure out a saddle/pants concept that has eluded me so far - but for a 3 mile RT? Perfect

Unlike my mornings, sunsets were always a relaxed affair and I could spend as much time as I wanted watching the light shift.  

I learned that the sun drops behind the mountains before official "sunset."

I learned that unlike sunrise, where the predawn light is usually the best, often sunset colors bloom up to 20 minutes after sunset time.

I learned cloud height is important, although I still don't know how to determine how high the clouds are most of the time

Just like sunrises, I started to get addicted to the colors....or maybe it is better to say I relied on the sunset colors to boost my mood

Going

Going

Gone

And I had to have yet another reckoning with myself that it isn't a good idea to tie any of your mental health to something as inconsistent as a beautiful sunset.  

But it is hard when the payoff is so amazing and also when you are watching your government do evil horrible things, while being cheered on by an upsettingly large portion of the population.

If there is a solution to living through times like these, I haven't found it.  I am on a downhill trajectory that feels inevitable, so yeah, when the sunset wasn't super pretty it made me sad.  Sadder.  I am always sad these days.

One lucky night, I also took the most magical fairy tale picture of a Great Horned Owl, almost completely be accident. 

I am so so very lucky to have this park and in a way, I live here by accident.  The house I ended up buying was a little lackluster when I first saw it, so I went under contract on another house in a different part of town and this one also went under contract.  

The inspection on the house I was planning to buy went very poorly  - mostly because the owners had lied about many things and then basically refused to give any compensation.  So I walked away.

I assumed I would have to start the process over, but was about to leave on a business trip so figured it would wait until I got home.  

I didn't even mind, as I was in a month to month rental with no particular hurry to buy a place, but that isn't entirely true because I hate house hunting and also just wanted to be done with it.  

The literal day before I flew out my agent got a call that this house had just come back on the market due to buyer financing

This was super pretty

I was more than a little suspicious after the mess I had just walked away from, but I remembered really liking the location of the house and not having any negatives about it.

And then it got even better

Even more importantly, the person who had just ended their contract was willing to let me have their inspection report.  That was super cool of them because I could see what any issues identified were but would still have the option to do my own inspection if I wanted

The lavender sky after sunset is perfect

So I drove across town to refresh myself on the house literally before heading to the airport.  It was stressful, although that is because I do this to myself.  The house probably would have waited until I returned from my trip.

I KNEW this was going to be good

But luckily it all worked out, the inspection was shockingly good for the age of the house, the main problem is that previous owner hadn't updated anything in a very long time.  But with the price of the house, I could afford to get the work done.

It didn't disappoint

I also kept waiting for something to be secretly wrong with the house that the inspection didn't detect and that the owner hid or I don't even know what.  

Aaaamazing

That was just my paranoia, enough time has passed now and enough of the house has been renovated to say I think I got lucky with this place.  Or was smart enough to see it's potential.

Regardless I am very glad I ended up where I did.  So that on days where I wasn't running my silly little butt up the silly little hill to watch the sun rise, I could pedal my silly little bike up the silly little hill and watch the sun go down

Which I did.  Over and over

Whether it's depression or my age or whatever, I have felt the pressing need to spend a lot of time alone lately. 

I can verify that sunset watching is a really great solo activity.

Of course, it is also fun with friends, but apparently I have been looking for more reasons to avoid people

As we moved into fall, even more birds started showing up.  I am not a huge bird person in general, however, they are of course beautiful

And they provide great entertainment out on the water while you watch the colors change

While the sun is setting, large flocks will come in and land on the water, presumably to sleep there overnight in the relative safety from coyotes (I have no idea, this is a guess).

From what I observed, birds of all kinds seem to think it is imperative to announce that they are coming in for a landing.  

What are they saying? "Here we come"?  "Watch out, we aren't paying attention to where we land"?

No clue but the cacophony of waterfowl arrival became a familiar backdrop

Then they splash down, almost always messily, into a mixed species group who is SUPER offended by the additional arrivals.

And no, sadly I don't have photos of this because my cell phone camera isn't that talented.

It is occuring in this photo, can't you tell?

It has absolutely increased my appreciation for birds.  Well, I have always loved birds of prey, this is increasing my appreciation of ducks and geese.

It is probably excellent prepartion for being a crazy middle aged lady that the park animals are basically my friends now

I wonder if the birds have an appreciation for the colors.  I have no idea what colors birds perceive and I am not at the stage of my crazy journey where I research this

I do talk to them though - the birds, the coyotes.  The people with off leash dogs.  Ok I yell at the last one

And now, the sunsets have become more muted.  I will catch them from time to time and keep my eye out for cloudier days.  This super dry and warm winter so far hasn't been my favorite, but every time the temperatures drip and it snows, I can almost feel joy.