Sunrise obsessed

 It's no secret that I haven't adapted well to the current government.  By which I mean I hate this all with a fiery passion and beyond the horrors of what is happening to people, I am already in mourning for our planet because we had a small window to act and I fear it's gone.  However, the cats need someone to take care of them so for the time being, I have been trying to find a way to survive the Existential Dread from being a permanent resident in the Pit of Despair

One of my coping mechanisms is running.  But as a thoroughly heat intolerant person, summer has always been tough to keep up the runs.  This past summer I decided to start running before dawn.  Those early alarms HURT but an unexpected bonus was the glory of the predawn light and sunrises.

Talk about a reward for waking up early.

Finding anything to take joy in is a real win at this point and enjoying the beauty of this blue and green rock while it can still support mammalian life seems especially poignant.  Erego, I immediately became obsessed with sunrises.  

It doesn't hurt that my normal running loop is a park near my house with a lake that gets amazing reflections off the water.  

I started taking a photo of the sun from the halfway point of my run, whether that was predawn, at sunrise, or later.  Somewhere along the way, the excitement grew for each of these early runs.  The park was so quiet, I often saw one or more of the resident coyotes - which are absolutely gorgeous, and tons of birds.  

The color gradient and reflection on this day was amazing

Eventually my brain was like....hey sunsets around here are good too

But that will probably be another post.

After stopping for a quick photo for months, I realized that some sunrises are worth a longer pause.  Who cares if my heart rate slows, who cares if my run isn't optimized.  News flash, I am a very casual jogger and my runs aren't optimized anyways.  Hit pause on the damn watch and observe the most beautiful colors in the sky you stupid bitch.  And so I did

And since nothing is worth doing without overthinking and planning it, I started looking up sunrise times and structuring my run times to try and optimize the lighting

In summer and fall, the best light seemed to actually be about 20-30 minutes before dawn.  So caculating how long it took me to run to the lake, how long it took me to get dressed and out the door....this all started governing my alarm time so I could try and get the best lighting.

Look I am my own worst overthinking enemy often enough, but in this case, it paid off.

5:57am

6:01am  It changes FAST

Like any obsession, there are pitfalls.  I started to fear missing a good sunrise.  I would actually be in a bad mood if the sunrise was just "normal" and not spectacular.  

My brain requires constant fucking supervision and I had to work to reframe it: that there is no bad sunrise, and that i was still out doing the best for myself even with less color and also the reflections, the birds, the planet still functioning for us silly little mammals, it all matters even when the sky isn't fully on fire for me.  

That even if I don't get the perfect photo because I am on a different trail doing a long run,
I still get to see THIS

I started paying attention to the sun moving across the horizon as the weeks passed

I started noticing some of the different species of birds that either live or pass through the park

I started setting an alarm on non-running days so I could drive over and observe the sunrise on those days too

On those mornings, when my schedule allows, I will try and stay for as long as possible, watching the color progression as the light changes

I  have become a much stronger runner too, probably because I almost never skip a run these days

One of the most magical days was when the full moon was setting during sunrise.  I think I took 100 pictures and kept getting pulled between the sunrise and the moonset.  

the sunrise

moon rays during moon set

still stunning

shit that will change your brain chemistry

The skies have kept me company through trying to figure out perimenopause (lol, progression there is real fucking slow)

Trying to navigate several other nebulous health issues that seem impossible to conquer

Dealing with work, depression, life.....

And this long warm dry early winter that scares me

Escapism into books and fantasy worlds is still a great coping mechanism for me

And I always knew I was desperately in love with the mountains

But I have now learned I also madly, deeply, truly love the skies too

Everything feels so ephemeral lately.  

And like the harder you try to hold on, the more it all slips away

But I guess I can always rely on the sun coming up each morning

Even humans can't ruin that

Mountain Therapy

 I wasn't sure if I wanted to run or hike.  Running is over faster, leaving more time to do nothing.  Nothing is something I require an exceptional amount of these days.  Quietly hanging with the cats, on my couch, reading, in the silence.  However, mountain therapy is also required to keep the chaos in my brain down and it had been too long since I had hiked.   

An inversion from a hike last summer

When the alarm went off, I was tightly snuggled up between Lando and Nova and almost considered taking an extra rest day and just staying cocooned between 2/3 of my heart.  But Lando quickly noticed I was awake jumped up because he couldn't risk delaying breakfast.  I got up as well, and decided a hike would be the best use of the morning.  

I really wanted to do South Boulder Peak but my left knee has been chirpy since my 12 mile run last weekend and I figured 3k+ vertical wouldn't be doing it any favors so I headed to an old standby, Mount Galbraith.  I missed sunrise while getting ready but the clouds decided to keep the colors coming

I did decide to at least get some cardio in by pushing pace for the uphill.  I started at Nightbird gulch, a trail I have a love hate relationship with.  The love is for the uphill.  The morning was stunning - there was a light breeze to start, it was in the low 40s, and the sunrise just didn't want to end.

I was theoretically trying to go for a zone 2 heart rate, which I accomplished for about half of the uphill, but even with all the running the fact I haven't been climbing many mountains could be felt.  

The rock hopping felt really good and I could almost feel my brain sink into the place where there is less existential dread.  When I hit the loop I decided to go counter clockwise.  This is the far better direction when there is now, but alas for CO, we are so very dry right now.  It feels like a sturdy sneeze could start a fire.  

I wasn't moving super quickly, but I was definitely dripping sweat by this point.  All of the working out does pay off though, my legs and cardio both felt great.  I accidentally scared this fellow, I wish I could have told him he was safe

Around mile 2.75 my knee started chirping a little bit but it ended quickly and that was all.  I hit the summit trail - I am so happy they finally created a summit trail for this mountain - having only seen a few other humans.  Most of those humans had off leash dogs which is irritating, but at least they were all well behaved.  

The lack of snow is very concerning

Hit the summit at about 73 minutes, no idea if that is faster than usual for me.  How was there still color remaining from that sunrise??  Freaking beautiful

Finishing out the loop was a delight, just a nice stroll down the side of the mountain overlooking Golden, and then it was back to the "stick" part of this lollipop trail.  This is where I start to get rock fatigue.  It's over a mile and a half back to the car and it's mostly a narrow rocky trail with loose sand.  It never bothers me on the way up but I do get very sick on it on the way back to the car.  

Luckily the sky kept me company

I finished up in about 2 hours 15 minutes, 5.3 miles and 1500 vertical total.  

I never regret taking a hike after the fact and my brain chemistry absolutely needed this.  

Finished up with a cream cheese heavy bagel, and I didn't ask for extra cream cheese, this is just how it came.

Luckily this still left plenty of time to relax with the cats and finish up one book.  It was called Wild Reverence by Rebecca Ross and I thought it was solidly mediocre.  I haven't thoroughly enjoyed many  books lately despite reading 2-3 every week.  So I am probably the problem.  It hasn't slowed my consumption though.  Fantasy worlds are so much more alluring than the real one.  

Ready for action

The Oatsmobile is highly sick of this winter and the boringness of trotting around the indoor and getting stronger and more balanced.

He has dreams of jumping and running and most of all - being in charge!  The danger of the smart horse is that they get bored easily and you have to stay ahead of them.  I haven't been great about that all winter and he has been as patient as he can.  We do incorporate lots of poles and small jumps and try to keep it interesting, but I am not about to crank the fences up on a horse trying to yank the reins out of my hands.

Luckily, he is well trained and good natured so having a few weeks of lovely weather really helped.  We were able to ride outside and get out on the trails and I could feel Odin relax and breathe again.  It doesn't hurt my brain much either. 

At the end of the day though, he needs harder work.  His canter is really coming together, he is maturing mentally, he wants to jump higher.  Bad news for him is that my riding time has been really limited by work lately and I am not fit enough to stay with him when he gets, uh, exuberant (this horse can crack his back like nothing else.  It's awesome, but tough when you aren't fit).  Good news for him, R2 has next week off and hopefully can spend a good amount of time getting him settled over bigger jumps so I can take over from there. 

He looks damn good

Work has been really intense with a big event that is actually going on now for the next two weeks.  After that I have a house move and then hopefully lots and lots of springtime riding. 

Odster is about to turn 7 and all signs point to him getting into a really good place in his training and I hope to spend the next several months enjoying and exploring that!

Twinsies (WW)

Dichotomy

When I was test riding the Oatsmobile to buy him, his trainer mentioned that he was a bit of a tough horse because while he isn't hot and isn't reactive, he is sensitive.  Except when he isn't.  He obviously was such a good horse and had such a great brain, I didn't process that description fully at the time, but have spent much of the last two years getting a deeper understanding of this.

Old pic to remind everyone he is cute

 While we have never pushed the issue in his training, it is very clear that you do NOT want to pick a fight with this horse.  He is a Dynaformer baby and his momma was a very tough racehorse so to start with, everything in his DNA says that if you get him into fight mode, he will go to the mat with you. 

And I have seen glimpses of that in his personality.  When I was first learning he might have some ulcer/stomach acid issues he was near unrideable.  I could practically feel him saying "I am being as polite as I can right now, but if you don't get off me and fix this, very bad things will happen."  So, my trainers and I put a lot of time and effort into convincing him that all the things we want him to do are his idea.  I get that this applies generally to horses, but seems to apply moreso to Odin. 

no sympathy

However - and this has been the hardest part for me to learn - that doesn't mean you can baby him.  If I ask nicely and he ignores me, and I let him get away with that, he has learned something and that is not a good thing.  So I have had to learn to correct VERY strongly but then to soften literally the second he gives.  It is a bit of a tightrope to walk and it has been an effort to get me there.  I assumed sensitive meant not to correct strongly but it really means (for Odin) to be incredibly firm and to give as much and as quickly as possible afterwards. 

Jasper pondering how tough all this riding stuff is

When he tries to lean on the bit, it is a hard pop and then soften like nothing happened.

When he decides it is time to shoulder in down the long side when I am asking him to go straight, it is a hard boot and then again, soften like nothing happened. 

As trainer R put it, sometimes he needs a bit of cowboy but you need to know when to stop because if you make it a total fight, you will lose. 

He also has a bit of a high opinion of his ability to be the one driving. 

Me pondering how tough all this riding stuff is!

I think he has been great for my education as a horsewoman because he is never scary and he isn't exactly hard - he will go out and be largely obedient.  But to get the best out of him, you need to up your game.

And for me that has been learning a new balance for the dichotomous horse.

Hello world

So here I am, peeking out into the world again.  Not sure if I will resume posting routinely but I want to at least check in on occasion.

Odin has been doing really well these days.  I need to get some photos - losing our photographer was rough - but he looks very grown up now.  Filled out a bit and please please please not getting any taller.

From a recent bath . He is close to 16.3 although he doesn't look it

We are continuing to develop him at a super slow pace.  I think he is probably in a position to be pushed more but I am not and he is still only 6 so we will stay slow.  Ever since the stifle injection he has developed a ton of strength in his hind and has stayed comfortable.  We still do periodic estrone injections but that is all we had needed so far.  We will see if we can keep that up through winter or if he needs more support.

We did add ranitidine into his life for stomach acid maintenance and that has really helped.  In fact, if he misses a few doses you know immediately, drama king that he is.  He starts "spooking", tail swishing, and just cannot even horse.  We did a barn experiment on him to see if a grain that purports to fix ulcers would work at our facility because he is so clear on when his belly isn't perfect.  The grain failed the test but it was again a clear demo that Odin on Ranitidine is awesome and Odin off Ranitidine is a no go.  At least it is a cheap thing to do.

He has stayed in training and probably will unless I lose my job because it fits with my life right now. So much progress has been made in so many different ways - self carriages is improving, he holds his leads both ways, his changes are getting better and better, his jumping is improving, etc.

There is still plenty to do - he needs better balance cantering right, he still can get overexcited jumping and lose rhythm, he does have a tendency to lean on your hands - but it all keeps getting better and he is now in a position to help his rider out some and be confident in various scenarios.

I manage to ride him about twice a week myself and I am lucky in that I have a strong enough riding base that I can pull off decent rides without being in great shape and with inconsistency.  That being said, I manage it carefully.  If I am mentally distracted or stressed or don't feel good, I keep the ride in a box I can handle.  If I feel good, we do more.  My goal is to enjoy him and at least keep myself in basic shape and not ruin the training!  With all the chaos in my life over the last 6 months that is good enough for me.  My trainer is very supportive and amazing.

Honestly, there were points in the last few months were I contemplated selling.  Horses aren't my current priority and they cost so much money.  But for now I am glad I am sticking with it.  I think Odin is a special horse and a great partner and since I have a good support team, if I can swing the money, I will be glad to have worked through this tougher part later.  And who knows, maybe my person life will make sense again one day!

Life in Numbers

Last time I posed in late March, I thought maybe things were starting to get better.  That would have been accurate if I had instead thought that maybe my life was about to fall apart.  So let's try and revisit this in numbers....

1 - long term romantic relationship ended

1 - fall off the horse when he spooked grazing on the buckle that messed my back up pretty nicely

1 - freak hail storm that trashed my car.  Mine was one of the few that wasn't totaled (because it is so new) so instead after about $11k in repairs I will have a car I can likely never sell

2 - cats euthanized.  On the same fucking day.  That day can be lit on fire and never heard from again.

1 - birthday that hopefully goes down as the worst birthday I ever have

And as the icing on shit cake.....

6 - weeks in a walking cast after breaking my 5th metatarsal.

I was just getting back into riding after my back injury when this happened so I guess I like paying for other people to ride my horse.  He at least has been doing very well in training.  His punk teenager phase continues so I am not too sad to let the pros deal with him right now.  He isn't scary or dangerous, but just has more opinionz than I need at the moment.

Things can always be or get worse, but it would be really nice if the world cut me some slack for awhile instead.